Addiction

Sometimes it is just so easy to fall into the thoughts of living in a world full of habits.

Waking up every day at the same time, because your body is so much used to it. Wearing that same red sweater – never too tight on your skin – to hide your insecurities away. Going to university because it is the right thing to do. Because you don’t want to surrender to the accusations of your parents that blame you for not having a purpose in life. Avoiding conflicts because it is easier. Dating the same guy because you fear the feelings of protection and care will never be the same with anyone else. Going out every Friday night to the same old predictable pub. Because you know everyone will just do the same and you just can’t help but feel like a fish out of water even only thinking about doing something else. Meeting the same people because you fear the idea of being alone with your thoughts. Drinking the beer that your friend suggested to you that one time and you really liked. Having it once again and feeling the bitter craving of something that doesn’t really taste so good anymore.

Falling into a routine that doesn’t feel like it belongs to us anymore is what we do. We follow patterns of a life whose meaning fades away every morning we wake up, every dress we wear, every step we take, person we meet, each sip we drink. And we do it once again. Back from the start. Because we can’t see further than that guy we know, that pub we got used to, that stale old mug that is waiting for us there.

The truth is, we most often don’t want to look past that. It is hard and scary. Who knows what is waiting on the other side? We don’t want to cope with insecurity. We don’t like the fear of not being able to handle an unpredictable situation which falls outside the grasp of our hands. And we crumble. We fall in this deep pain which is our addiction. Addiction to a life we don’t live anymore which is stepping on us with the power of a hurricane. The routine we don’t govern which takes control over each and every decision we make along the way. The fear of rejection from an unknown that is so close to reach but so hard to truly grasp.

And we just sit there. Waiting for that significant moment breaking this circle of patterns and habits. But it never comes. We never let it happen. Because the blanket of fears and dependency is so cosily grasping us in its motherly embrace that the idea of letting go of this closeness never truly turns into reality.

Drugs are said to be the most powerful and addictive substance for the human mind. Can’t really run away from them once you fall down that spiral, can you? But what about that life in black and white that most of us just can’t seem to get away from? What if that existence is holding you in a cage where you willingly locked yourself into. Can’t really escape from that. Or can you?

Alison

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